


Instincts

by PennyLane



Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-06
Updated: 2013-07-06
Packaged: 2017-12-17 21:10:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,453
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/871991
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PennyLane/pseuds/PennyLane
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>An epilogue to 'Maternal Instinct'.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Instincts

 

I'm not surprised to see a light in Daniel's lab at this time of night, especially on this night. Daniel sat through the debriefing after our return from Kheb like someone in a trance, and the way he took off afterwards left none of us in any doubt he wanted to be alone.

 

Well, it's been three hours. I figure that's long enough to be alone after what he's been through, or at least long enough before I check on him to make sure he's okay. I've learned to time these things with Daniel. If I show up too soon, he shuts me out and no amount of talking or cajoling will get him to open up. If I let it go too long... well, I just make sure I don't let that happen any more. The trick is not rushing it. When he's been smacked really hard -- like when he went back to Abydos only to find a pregnant Sha're there -- he needs time to himself for a while. But then he needs someone to be there. Sometimes he talks, sometimes he doesn't, but the important thing is to be there just in case. He wasn't always like that. He used to go off by himself before I figured out the timing thing and before he figured out he was part of a team now and it was okay to let your friends help when you're hurting.

 

Pausing in the doorway to his office I slide my hands into my pockets and look around the empty interior. His computer is still on, but that doesn't mean anything; Daniel has been known to go on three-day missions with the coffee pot, computer and lights all on as if he had just stepped out to hit up the vending machine for a candy bar. By this time I pretty much know the places he goes when there's too much on his mind for him to sit still so I leave to begin checking them out.

 

I keep remembering the look on his face, the utter desolation, when Coburn told us the 'white light' was gone. That meant the baby was gone. _Baby_. Funny, up to that point I hadn't really thought of it as a 'baby', more like a weapon. When we referred to it in the reports, it was as 'the Harsesis'. It wasn't until I saw it -- _him_ \-- that it really sank in. It -- _he_ \-- really was a human baby, Sha're's baby, the only part of Sha're Daniel had left. This was the baby he'd delivered on Abydos, the one he'd held in his arms and rescued from Amaunet, turning him over to Kasuf for safe-keeping. He had to be remembering that when he found the boy on Kheb. Who can hold a baby in their arms, especially a baby they brought into the world, and not feel protective and responsible it? Daniel would have felt all that and more because this was Sha're's son, and he made a promise to her to protect him.

 

Now, I'll be the first to admit his story of Sha're communicating with him through a ribbon device while Amaunet fried his brain wasn't one I believed, even knowing how much he needed me to. I don't feel very good about that right now, but that's the way it was. It caused some tension between us before I finally worked out it wasn't really important whether I believed the _story;_ what was important was that I believed in _Daniel_ and had for a long time. I hadn't figured out a way to come out and tell him and didn't even know if that would be enough when I found him sorting through Sha're's things some weeks after her death. I know first hand what a painful and isolating experience that is, and before I knew it, the words just came out. At first, I don't think he believed me. From the look on his face, he thought I was just trying to placate him. But Daniel knows I don't placate people if I think they're wrong, and I swear I could see the tension drain from his body. So I stuck around and listened while he talked about some of the items he was going through, helped him repack the ones he wanted to put away, and then took him back to my place for a pizza and some TV. We were okay after that, and I wondered why in the hell I couldn't have just told him that a long time ago.

 

He's not in the cafeteria, Carter's lab or with Teal'c. After checking with security, I also determine he didn't go topside. With a little frown, I head for the briefing room, knowing what a magnet the Stargate can be. After all, that's where it all started.

 

There's a muted light coming from the room, and Daniel is standing over by the observation window. I walk in slowly but make sure he can hear me as I walk up to join him. Arms wrapped around his chest, he's staring down at the silent Gate, and he doesn't turn as I stop beside him.

 

"Hey," I say quietly.

 

"Jack."

 

O-kay. It's not his 'come in and have some coffee' Jack, but it isn't his 'I don’t want any company so get out of my face' Jack,either. It's something in-between. So I stand silently beside him, my shoulder lightly touching his to remind him I'm here, and I wait.

 

After several minutes of silence, he says quietly, "He's better off with her."

 

"Yeah," I agree. "You did the right thing, Daniel."

 

"I was a fool to think I could protect him."

 

"You _are_ protecting him by letting him go."

 

He doesn't say anything, just wraps his arms a little tighter around his chest and continues to stare at the Stargate.

 

"Feels like you gave him up for adoption, doesn't it?" I ask finally, my voice soft. He snaps around to look at me, and I see from his expression at first he thinks I'm making another bad, totally inappropriate, joke. But I'm deadly serious, and after a moment he recognizes that and his shoulders sag.

 

"Yeah."

 

His voice is barely a whisper, and I nod in acknowledgement. "Look, Daniel." I keep my voice low and reassuring. "You promised Sha're you'd find the boy and you'd keep him safe. You've done both those things.”

 

"And now it's time to let go?" he asks, a little sharply.

 

I give him a level look. "No. It's time to realize that you've kept your promise to Sha're and the boy is as safe as he can be. No one can ask any more of you, Daniel -- not even _you_."

 

He winces, but doesn't say anything.

 

"Cut yourself some slack, Danny," I tell him softly. "You found him against all odds --"

 

"Considering the fact no one even believed either he or Kheb existed," he finishes under his breath and turns back to staring out the window, his face tight.

 

Okay, that's it. There's been something festering between us for what seems like forever. I thought maybe finally telling him I believed in him would take care of it. Hell, I thought backing him to go on this mission to Kheb would take care of it. But for a guy as smart as Daniel and who speaks twenty-three languages, sometimes he can't understand something you tell him in plain English.

 

It takes me less than a millisecond to decide while we really need to get a few things straight between us, the briefing room is not the place to do it.  In fact, the base is not the place to do it. Sometimes Daniel doesn't hear you when you speak in a normal tone of voice so you have to raise it a few hundred decibels, and I have an idea this might be one of those times. I clear my throat and say conversationally, "You know, there's a chess game you and I haven't finished yet..."

 

If he's surprised by the sudden change in topic, he doesn't show it. "Not tonight, Jack," he replies, sounding unutterably weary.

 

"Okay, then how about coming back to my place for something to eat?" I press doggedly. If he's had anything past his lips except coffee in the last twelve hours, I'll sing Edelweiss in the Gate Room for the entire cast and crew of the SGC.

 

He sighs gustily. "Jack, you don't have to --"

 

"To be your friend?" I supply helpfully. "No, Daniel, I know I don't. But you know what? It's become one of those little habits I just can't seem to break, like breathing. So what d'you say? Come home with me, let me feed you and make sure you're okay because by anyone's definition, you have had one bitch of a day."

 

He drops his head onto his chest, and I see his eyes slide shut. That was my best shot, and if he tells me to piss off at this point, I really don’t have a Plan B. But a moment later he lifts his head and gives one last look at the Stargate before turning away from it to face me. "Thanks," he murmurs, his eyes not quite meeting mine. "I really don't want to be alone right now."

 

Even a couple of years ago, you would never have heard that confession from Daniel Jackson's lips. It wasn't so much he _didn't_ want to be alone; it was the fact he had _been_ alone most of his life, had to deal with any shit life threw at him by himself, and it never occurred to him now he had friends who were more than willing to help shoulder part of that burden. That's been a long, slow learning process for our boy genius.

 

Sliding my arm around his shoulders, I lead him out of the briefing room. "You know what? Neither do I."

 

***

 

He's warm, he's been fed, he's sitting in his favorite place on the sofa with the unfinished chess game on the coffee table in front of him, and for the last half hour he's been talking about Abydos. When he feels a need to talk about his year there and about Sha're, I'm the one he talks to. I guess that's probably because besides Ferretti, I'm the only one left at the SGC from that first mission and the only one who knew Sha're for more than a couple of hours. I think he feels comfortable talking about her with me; so on those rare occasions he wants to talk about her, I make sure I'm available.

 

I admit on this occasion I'm only paying surface attention. Not that Daniel notices; he's completely lost in his memories right now. What he said back in the briefing room about no one believing in the existence of the child or Kheb (and, by default, believing _him_ ) keeps coming back to me. What he said on Kheb, when he told me we all had to lose our guns, even when faced with a group of armed Jaffa, also keeps coming back to me too: _Jack, if you're ever going to trust me, now is the time._

 

If I'm _ever_ going to trust him? Like I go around _not_ trusting him? Like I've never shown him I _do_ trust him? Apparently there's been this unspoken 'trust' thing between us for some time now, and I just haven't realized it. Why else would he have said if I'm _ever_ going to trust him? So okay, I do not go around telling my team mates I trust them, not in words anyhow. But how can Daniel have lived and worked and fought and laughed and cried beside me these last three years and not know I trust him?

 

Granted, the thing with the Tollans and the whole being kicked off SG-1 scam when I sat here and lied to his face didn't help my case with him. He thought I lied to him because I didn't trust him. I lied to him -- and I said some vicious things -- to keep him as far away from me as possible. Between Daniel, Teal'c and Carter, I knew Daniel was the loose cannon. I knew he would be the one to come around to try to talk to me and find out what was really going on, and he would keep coming and keep digging if he suspected anything. That would have put him in the kind of danger he couldn't begin to imagine -- and the kind I couldn't protect him from.  I did the only thing I believed I could to keep him safe: I hit him hard and low in a move he wouldn't expect from me, and I drove him away.

 

But we worked through that later. At least I thought we did. I apologized. I groveled. I bought cookies. I groveled some more. Eventually I was able to walk into a room without seeing him immediately leave by another door. He made me pay for that one, but I thought we'd finally put it behind us, and he understood my motives. I'm not saying he was happy about it, but I thought he understood.

 

I realized the hard way Daniel can play dirty too when he wants to. That whole Kira/Linnea thing couldn't have happened at a worse time for him. He was grieving for Sha're, he was hurting, and he was angry. Being angry at the world when you lose a loved one is part of the grieving process; being angry at your best friend because he doesn't believe your wife was sending you psychic messages while the snake in her head was frying your brain was the icing on the cake. _Who would you trust with your life more than anyone else on earth? And don't worry... I won't be offended if you don't pick me._ I swear it took every ounce of self-control I possessed to just sit there and not drag him from that room to have it out with him then and there. But Daniel was spoiling for a fight, and I was just furious enough at that point not to give him the satisfaction. At the time, I thought that was just Daniel using the only weapon he had to save someone he thought was an innocent. Now I’m wondering if it wasn't more.

 

So this trust thing has been a recurring theme with him. If anyone should have a trust issue, by all rights it should be me. I mean, going back to that very first trip to Abydos: he stood there and told General West of _course_ he could get my team back to earth if we went through the Gate. And then once we got to Abydos of course he couldn't. That was a fairly hefty trust issue at the time. But the funny thing is, I got over it. When he was standing in those transportation rings with a dead Sha're in his arms and told me to wait for him although I didn't know what he was planning to do or how he was planning to do it, I knew I'd wait.

 

I know he trusts _me_ , too. He doesn't always agree with my decisions in the field, but he always trusts me to do whatever it takes to keep my team safe. When he looks at me, I've seen anger, sadness, happiness, annoyance, despair, surprise, wonder, humor, but I have never seen mistrust. I think with Daniel he has instinctively trusted me from the first, and I've tried very hard to never do anything to destroy that. The Tollan thing was a close one. I thought I'd fucked things up but good, but we're supposed to be okay now. Apparently not.

 

I don't know how long it takes before I realize Daniel isn't talking any more. I give a guilty start and look over at him. He's watching me with a look on his face that's almost wary and I give a little sigh, wondering how long we've been sitting here in silence.

 

"You okay, Jack?"

 

"Fine. Why?" I counter immediately.

 

"You were a few thousand light years away," Daniel points out with a tight, little smile.

 

"Actually... I was on Abydos. That first mission..." I shrug, not sure how I want to continue.

 

"That's where it all started," he says absent-mindedly and takes a drink of his coffee.

 

That was where it all started for us. I wish I could dredge up some of the anger I felt when Daniel threw that trust stuff at me over Kira. I wish I knew how to sit here and tell him --

 

"I'm sorry."

 

They are the same words and the same tone he used in that damn padded cell, and for a split second in time, I'm transported back there, seeing him huddled, lost, afraid. "For what?" It's the same question I asked him in Mental Health, and I have to almost physically shake off the eerie feeling of déjà vu that's crawling over me.

 

He's staring into his cup and heaves a drawn-out sigh. "Well, let's get it all out at once," he says wearily. "How about, I'm sorry I dragged us all to Kheb and put our lives in danger looking for a child we didn't bring back anyway. I'm sorry for arguing with you in the temple and keeping us there until we were surrounded by Jaffa. I'm sorry I thought I had special powers when I didn't. I'm sorry we don't have a Harsesis child to help fight the Goa'uld. And I'm sorry I'm not someone you can trust when I tell you to drop your guns or we're all going to be killed." Finally winding down, he lapses into silence and continues to stare into his cup.

 

Well, we got one thing accomplished anyhow: I've got the anger back that I'd been looking for. Oh, Dannyboy, your head is a scary place to be, you know that?

 

I take a moment to gather my thoughts, and then begin in a carefully even voice, "In the first place, you did not 'drag' us to Kheb; we were on a mission approved by General Hammond and recommended by me. I based my recommendation on your research and the information provided by Bra'tac. Incidentally, it didn't surprise me to find out you were right, and I don't think it surprised anyone else either."

 

He gives me a quick look then just as quickly looks back down into his cup. Too late. I see the flicker of astonishment on his face before he's able to hide it. One day I'm going to find out what that is all about. I'm going to find out what happened in his past that has caused a guy who's a genius by any definition to wonder why anyone would have faith in him and his abilities.

 

Putting that aside for the moment, I continue, "In the second place, name me one time when any argument by _anyone_ persuaded me to stay somewhere if I thought the team was in immediate danger? You'd led us to Kheb. There was a good chance the boy was there. You were trying to ascertain his location. There was no _immediate_ danger to the team so we stayed to complete the mission.

 

"As for those special powers, hell, _I_ thought you were lightin' those candles and makin' that fire." I'm a little uncomfortable talking about that part of it. It didn't exactly thrill me to think Daniel was creating infernos and disarming me just by using his mind. You can talk about higher planes of existence until the cows come home, but the fact is, the thought of Daniel being able to do those things just didn't seem... right. It changed him, and I've already seen more changes in Daniel than I ever wanted to see.

 

"And the Harsesis..." I make a face at that. It doesn't seem right calling Sha're's son that any more and I start again, "As for Sha're's son..." His head snaps up at that, and he looks at me with wide eyes, gratitude flooding his face. "We all knew it was a long shot. The fact is, he's safe now and in the hands of someone who can see he stays that way. And I've got a feeling if we ever really do need the knowledge he's got, she'll find a way to make sure we get it."

 

He blinks rapidly and quickly looks down. "I'd like to think so," he whispers thickly.

 

I stand up and go over to the fireplace, poking at the fire to give him a few moments to compose himself. When I think he's had long enough, I turn around and cross my arms, leaning against the mantle as I study him. "Now," I say conversationally, "what was that last 'I'm sorry' for? Oh, that's right, you're sorry you're not someone I can trust." I see him stiffen and allow myself a thin smile. "Let's talk about that one."

 

"I didn't say that," he mutters defensively, but he won't meet my gaze.

 

"No, you didn't," I agree, determined to be fair. "You said I didn't trust you when you told me we had to lay down our guns when surrounded and outnumbered by armed Jaffa."

 

He's frowning into his cup. "If that had been Sam or Teal'c," he begins.

 

"Daniel, _General Hammond_ could have beamed down there and told me to lay down my gun, and I would've had to think about it," I snap, my patience stretched further than I thought possible. "In case it's slipped your mind, I _did_ order everyone to drop their guns."

 

"After Bra'tac told you to," he murmurs.

 

"In case it has also slipped your mind," I inform him between gritted teeth, "I don't take orders from Bra'tac."

 

Sliding a hand under his glasses, he rubs his eyes. "Okay, Jack, look, this isn't getting us anywhere. I'm tired, I've got a headache, and I just want to go home. So are you going to drive me or do I call a cab?"

 

I have to stop myself from automatically turning to get my car keys because it's instinctive with me now: Daniel is the type of person you have to keep your eye on to make sure he's doing what he should be doing to keep himself healthy. There were too many times in the early days of SG1 when one of us would find him in his lab after working the night through, the number of dirty coffee cups and discarded candy bar wrappers testifying to his diet. When Daniel is involved in a translation project or obsessing over the mystery of some lost civilization on PCX-whatever, basic survival skills go right out the window. We all learned unless we used our own particular brand of persuasion -- with Teal'c it's immovable firmness tempered with respect, with Carter it's cajoling, with me I just haul him out of his office and throw him at a hot meal and then an empty cot -- he'd actually show up for a mission thinking two hours of sleep was perfectly acceptable. So when he says 'I'm tired' or 'I'm hungry' or 'I've got a headache'  -- conditions he doesn't admit to unless he's virtually on the verge of collapse -- I'm pretty much conditioned at this point to get him someplace he can rest, make sure he has something to eat, or provide the aspirin. He knows that too which makes me suspect he's just playing dirty at this point and trying to distract me.

 

"I'll get you something for your headache," I tell him and leave the room before he can open his mouth to protest.

 

When I come back with the aspirin and a fresh cup of coffee, he's got his arms wrapped around his chest, and he's frowning at the chessboard like it's some ancient puzzle he's trying to decipher. "Here you go." I hold out the coffee and the aspirin, and for a moment,  I wonder if he's going to refuse both.

 

But he sighs and accepts them. "Thanks." After he downs the aspirin, I walk back to the fireplace, and before I can turn around he says quietly, "It's okay, Jack. I understand."

 

Turning, I stare at his still profile. I'm afraid to ask, but I do. "Understand what?"

 

"I mean, it's not the same with Sam and Teal'c, is it?"

 

" _What_ isn't the same, Daniel?" I have _never_ laid hands on Daniel in anger no matter how tempted I've been or how much he may have deserved it, but I swear right now all I want to do is go over there and give him a good shake to bring him to his senses.

 

He turns to look at me, a tight, little smile on his face. "Well, look at the things I ask you to believe. I mean, Sha're communicating with me through a ribbon device, a child with all the secrets of the Goa'uld living on a mythical planet . It's no wonder you don't --"

 

"'I just got back from an alternate reality, Jack, and we have to go through the Stargate and save the world because Apophis is coming in ships?'" I break in pointedly.

 

He drops his gaze to his hands, still clutching his cup. "You didn't believe that."

 

"No, I didn't," I said evenly, "and for a smart guy you're having a lot of trouble adding two and two tonight, aren't you?"

 

That earns me a puzzled and slightly impatient look. "What?"

 

"Daniel, we _went_ to Kheb, and we _went_ through the Gate to Apophis' ship and saved the world. Now why do you suppose we did that?" I give the question only enough time to sink in before providing him with the answer he obviously hasn't been able to work out for himself. "Could it be because we _trust_ you? Despite the fact some of the things you tell me are pretty damn unbelievable, I trust you to be right, Daniel. We all trust you to be right.”

 

A little frown appears on his face as he licks his lower lip. "I know that," he says quickly but without conviction.

 

No, he doesn't. Once again, I cannot believe how long we have traveled through that Gate side-by-side, and he does not fully understand how much we trust him and just how many blind leaps of faith I have personally made just because Daniel asked me to.

 

Walking over, I drop back down into my chair and give him a level look, even though that unfinished chess game has once again claimed his attention. "I've trusted you in a lot of ways you obviously haven't even thought about, Daniel. I trusted you when you'd fallen right over the edge after being hooked on that damn sarcophagus, and you were pointing a loaded gun at me." Even from where I'm sitting, I see a shudder run through his body and his knuckles turn white where he's gripping the cup. We never talk about this. Not ever. We talked it through after it happened, and then we buried it, put it behind us. This is not a memory I want to dredge up for him, but I need to make him understand. "I knew you wouldn't pull the trigger even when you didn't," I tell him quietly. He doesn't say anything, but I see his Adam's Apple bob as he swallows hard. Taking a breath, I continue, " I trusted you when MacKenzie called me to Mental Health and you told me about Machello's bug, too. Why else would I have gotten you out of there when all MacKenzie wanted to do was keep you there for another forty-eight hours for observation?"

 

His lips tighten at the mention of this episode, and I hope, when those nightmares come back to plague him, he remembers the part about me leaving Teal'c's side and rushing across town just because he asked me to. "I know," he says quietly and raises his head to look at me. "And I don't think I ever thanked you for that."

 

That very nearly sends me over the edge. "For cryin' out loud, Daniel." I run a hand through my hair and just stop myself from trying to pull it out. "I don't want you to thank me. I just want you to understand _why_ I did it."

 

He holds my gaze for a long moment then I see the change in his expression as revelation dawns. "Oh," he says finally, his mouth dropping open in a way that makes you forget this guy is a multiple Ph.D. I see his cheeks darken and he drops his gaze and clears his throat. "I, um, I guess I never really thought about that." He sounds embarrassed, pleased, and stunned all at once, and I have to bite my lip to keep from grinning. Then his expression shifts slightly, and he gives me a sideways look, saying slowly, "When we were on Kheb and I was trying to convince you to throw down your guns, I didn't think you were going to do it."

 

He leaves the question unspoken, and I heave a little sigh. Might as well give him the whole story to this trust thing. Besides, if I don't tell him now, I'm just going to have to explain it at some later point when he'll be throwing 'I thought you trusted me!' in my face. "Daniel, there is only one situation I can think of where I don't completely trust you -- and that's your own safety. There are times -- and you can't deny this, so don't try -- when you trust people... aliens without much to go on and without thinking what kind of danger it might put you in. You were standing out in the open, unarmed, in front of a bunch of armed Jaffa sent by Apophis, and you were telling me we had to disarm ourselves. If I put down my gun and ordered everyone else to put down their weapons, that left you and the rest of the team completely unprotected."

 

"But you did it."

 

There's a sort of hushed wonder in his tone, and I have to look away for a moment. There's no way I can put into words what I went through in those seconds on Kheb after Daniel ran out into full view of those Jaffa, barefoot and completely vulnerable and told me we had to put down our guns. Every instinct in my body was screaming at me to trust Daniel in his impossible request while my brain was pointing out if I did, we were all going to be killed. And that wouldn't have been Daniel's fault; it would have been mine.

 

When I look back at him, he's still staring at me, eyes wide as this last revelation finally sinks in. "Yes," I say simply, "I did." And I hope he finally understands. I hope we've finally put this trust issue to rest because there is no one else on Earth or any other planet I would have done that for just on his or her say so. He's blinking a little fast right now, and that reminds me he's had one hell of an emotional day and has probably had enough. "If you still want to go home," I say conversationally, "I'll drive you."

 

He looks relieved at the sudden change of subject and puts his coffee cup down. "Okay."

 

"Or," I continue casually, "you could just stay here." He looks at me quickly, and I shrug. "The spare room's still available pretty much the way you left it."

 

He bites the inside of his cheek. "I swear, Jack, if you tell me you haven't changed a thing since I moved out --"

 

"Not a thing," I interrupt cheerfully. "In fact, there's still a pair of your dirty socks under the bed and a half a cup of coffee on the bedside table."

 

He makes a face. "How can I turn down an invitation like that?" he asks dryly.

 

I was hoping he wouldn't. "Good." Picking up the remote control, I flicked on the TV. "It's still early. With ten sports channels there should be a hockey game on somewhere."

 

Daniel settles back into the sofa with a sigh. "Jack, I hate hockey," he points out in automatic reflex, while accepting the inevitable. It's an old argument, and it always has the same outcome.

 

My channel surfing produces the Bruins and the Redwings, first quarter. Perfect. "I know you do, Daniel," I grin, heading to the kitchen for two beers. "I know you do."

 

**_end_ **


End file.
